Blog Post #21: Personal Hell

The first question on the assignment page is: What is hell? Before I can answer this, there are many interpretations I can take. The first is the hypothetical idea of hell that is traditionally thought of in the Christian faith. This direction leads me to think of it as a fire-filled place underneath the Earth where every second is agony and torturous. The devil roams and instills fear and pain in unimaginable magnitudes. My personal hell leads my onto a completely different thought line. While equally as torturous, my hell has no fire or devil. It is bare and enclosed, with no one around and no noise. I am pitifully alone and hate every second of it. Meanwhile, a sideshow in my head instills fear into my mind with memories of all the pain I have gone through, to make me feel it all over again. I become very vain in my hell, and I can't help but think that there are others that think bad things of me, and consequently make me feel terrible. This mental torture seems to have no escape or reprieve.

1. My hell is a punishment, as could be expected. It is a punishment for the bad things I have done or not done. My hell can come at any point, really, and is not restricted to the afterlife or any such thing. Whenever I feel really bad about something I can sink to hell, and it is awful. This is usually a result of self-criticism, and an I-hate-myself felling. These feelings are not merited but yet something in me brings about this personal hell.

2. The punishments of my hell are many different methods of mental torture. In my hell, the mental aspect of life trumps the physical aspect, and so no cuts, bruises, or breaks befall me. I am tortured by my own mind, telling me that I am worthless and pointing out all my flaws. And I believe it for some reason. My mind resembles that of a dreaming mind, where anything that comes along, inextricable as it may be, is not only believable, but completely accepted as fact. All my mistakes are flashed on the walls of the box I am trapped in as some kind of subliminal messaging, and its purpose is to convince me of my infinite inferiority.

3. My hell is white, and lonely. It may be one of those cells used in insane asylums. The ones with padded walls and no windows. This means there is no emotion going out to others, which I believe is the reason for emotions in the first place. It is all coming back to me, and they are negative in nature, wearing my defenses down and making me unstable, and insane. Pictures and scenes are displayed on the walls as in a slideshow presentation, but there is no projector. These scenes tear at me with their sharp claws of self-deprecation, giving me no rest or rescue.

4. There seems to be no end to my hell. There is no escape, at least for me. But that is the point of a personal hell. It is meant to be the worst-case scenario, the most terrible situation imaginable by that specific person. If someone else were placed in my hell, that person might have a chance of escaping, by denying the attempts of the pictures to gnaw at his or her mental stability. I don't think any one's personal hell should be escapable, and if it is, it is not their true hell.

5. A symbol for my hell could be a straightjacket. I am restrained in my hell and have to take whatever it throws at me. I can't get out of it and, although not claustrophobic in the real world, I freak out in my hell trying to get free. But these attempts are futile. Everything is futile in hell. The idea of being restrained or having no options generally scares me, and the straightjacket would be perfect to terrify me in my hell.

6. Absolutely no one is in my hell. That, for me, is worse than having a devil or person I dislike. There may be ghosts or ethereal wisps of people I love, though. This is because they are not really there but they would be noticeable and torturing. I would more than anything want to talk to them, or to hug them, but it would be impossible. Humans were made to group together and form communities, as we have been doing for all of time, so being alone goes against human nature and is complete misery. That is why it is intrinsic to my hell.